In just two weeks, Helen and I will celebrate our sixty-first wedding anniversary.
Over six decades together, we’ve weathered hardships that could have destroyed many marriages. We’ve faced financial struggles, health challenges, difficult seasons with our children, and outside pressures that threatened the life we built together.
Yet today, the hardest battle we’ve ever faced is Alzheimer’s disease.
About five years ago, my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Since then, we’ve walked through neurological evaluations, psychological testing, CT scans, medications, and countless appointments. Some treatments have helped slow the decline, but the disease continues its relentless march.
One evening after a neurology appointment, I turned toward Helen as we lay in bed and quietly said, “Honey, please don’t forget me, even if you forget everything else.”
Of course, she couldn’t promise that. But I needed to say it.
I needed to give voice to one of my deepest fears.
In moments like these, I often find comfort in God’s promise:
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee.” (Isaiah 41:10 KJV)
Today, I want to be very real and vulnerable. I want to share a little of our journey—the good, the bad, and the ugly—in hopes that it might help someone else walking a similar road.
“Alzheimer’s doesn’t only affect the person diagnosed. It changes the lives of everyone who loves them.”
One of the most confusing aspects of Alzheimer’s is that the person you love can appear perfectly normal one moment and profoundly impaired the next.
Helen and I still laugh together. We enjoy conversations. We spend time together. Many days feel almost normal.
Then suddenly, something changes. An item disappears. A conversation vanishes from memory. A simple instruction isn’t remembered. Something I specifically asked not to happen happens anyway. And when I ask about it, she sincerely says,
“You never told me that.”
For a long time, I reacted poorly. I became frustrated. I raised my voice.
I expected her to function as she always had. The problem wasn’t that she wasn’t trying.
The problem was that her brain could no longer do what I was asking it to do.
Knowing that intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two very different things.
“One of the greatest challenges of Alzheimer’s is learning to adjust your expectations while continuing to love the person behind the disease.”
What Is Alzheimer’s Disease?
Alzheimer’s disease is a progressive, irreversible brain disorder that slowly destroys memory, thinking skills, and eventually the ability to perform everyday tasks. It is the most common form of dementia, accounting for approximately 60–80% of dementia cases.
It is important to understand that Alzheimer’s is not a normal part of aging.
According to the Alzheimer’s Association, the disease is associated with abnormal protein deposits in the brain known as amyloid plaques and tau tangles. These deposits damage and eventually destroy healthy brain cells, causing the brain to shrink over time.
You can learn more through the Alzheimer’s Association and the National Institute on Aging.
How Alzheimer’s Progresses
Alzheimer’s generally develops slowly over many years.
Early Stage
Many people first notice:
- Forgetting recent conversations
- Repeating questions
- Misplacing items
- Difficulty learning new information
Middle Stage
As the disease advances, people may experience:
- Increased confusion
- Personality changes
- Difficulty handling finances
- Getting lost in familiar places
- Problems following directions
This is the stage where Helen currently resides.
Late Stage
Eventually, individuals may:
- Lose the ability to communicate clearly
- Require assistance with daily care
- Experience severe memory loss
- Need around-the-clock support
The progression varies widely from person to person. Some individuals decline rapidly, while others live many years after diagnosis.
The Mayo Clinic Alzheimer’s Stages Guide offers an excellent overview of the disease’s progression.
What I’ve Learned About Handling the Emotional Side
If I’m honest, Alzheimer’s has exposed weaknesses in me I didn’t know existed. I have always considered myself able to adjust to life’s issues. I know I’m not patient, and this disease has compounded my lack. I guess God wanted to show me that I needed to correct that flaw.
Alzheimer’s revealed my lack of adjustment and my need for patience. I’ve discovered that grief doesn’t only come after death. Sometimes grief begins while the person you love is still sitting beside you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wept in the most challenging times, or the times I’ve cried out to God for help.
I’ve grieved over conversations that no longer have depth and understanding. I’ve grieved when a shared memory we both enjoyed has disappeared. I’ve grieved when travel plans we’ve made have to be repeated, even as we travel. I’ve grieved, no, wept over the gradual loss of the person I once knew.
During this journey, I’ve learned that I cannot do this in my own strength. The patience Alzheimer’s requires often exceeds my natural ability. There are days when frustration comes easier than grace, and discouragement comes easier than hope.
Yet God continually reminds me:
“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” (Galatians 6:9 KJV)
Some days, simply choosing patience again is a victory.
The most helpful advice I’ve encountered can be summarized in three simple words:
Pause
- When frustration rises, stop.
- Take a breath.
- Give your spouse time to process what you’ve said.
- Slow your own thoughts before responding.
Pivot
- Arguing rarely helps.
- Explaining repeatedly usually increases confusion.
- Instead of focusing on facts, focus on feelings.
- Rather than saying, “I already told you that,” try saying, “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.”
- Instead of correcting every mistake, offer reassurance.
Protect
- Caregivers need care too.
- You cannot pour from an empty cup.
- Seek support groups.
- Accept help from family and friends.
- Take breaks when you need them.
- Talk honestly about your struggles.
One lesson I am learning late in this journey is that pride can be a dangerous companion. For too long, I believed I should be able to handle this alone.
I was wrong.
“Sometimes strength isn’t carrying the burden by yourself. Sometimes strength is allowing others to help carry it with you.”
The Surprising Power of Music
One of the most encouraging discoveries researchers have made involves music. Even when Alzheimer’s damages large portions of the brain, the parts that respond to music often remain active much longer. Many people who struggle to remember names, dates, or recent conversations can still recall songs they learned decades earlier.
Researchers have found that music may:
- Reduce anxiety and agitation
- Improve mood
- Stimulate memories
- Encourage communication
- Strengthen social connection
I’ve witnessed this firsthand. A familiar hymn can light up Helen’s face that moments earlier appeared distant. Helen loves to play the piano and is at the keyboard several times a day. A favorite song can bring peace when confusion reigns. When we are traveling, Helen will quietly hum or sing a song, and I will often join in.
A melody often reaches places words no longer can.
For more information, visit:
- Alzheimer’s Association Art and Music Programs
- Northwestern Medicine: Music as Medicine for Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia
Don’t Walk This Road Alone
One realization has become increasingly clear. Dealing with my wife’s cognitive decline is bigger than my ability to manage alone. I’m not too proud to admit that I need help.
I need encouragement.
I need people who understand what it feels like to answer the same question five times in ten minutes.
I need people who understand the grief of watching someone you love slowly disappear while still sitting beside you.
Most of all, I need community.
Scripture reminds us:
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2 KJV)
God never intended us to carry life’s heaviest burdens alone.
If your spouse or loved one has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, don’t wait as long as I did.
Reach out.
- Join a support group.
- Talk with others who understand.
- Accept help when it is offered.
- You will need it.
- And there is no shame in that.
Final Thoughts
Ron and Helen, 61 years
Every day with Alzheimer’s is different. Some days are really good, almost normal. Then there’re those other days that are heartbreaking. I’d have to say most days are both. But through it all, I’ve learned that love is more than memory.
Alzheimer’s may steal memories, but it cannot separate us from God’s love.
“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life… nor things present, nor things to come… shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39KJV)
Helen may forget many things in the days ahead, but God will never forget her.
And love is remembering that while Alzheimer’s may change many things, it can never erase the value of a life created in the image of God.
Helen is still Helen, and she’s still my wife, the woman I married sixty-one years ago, and the woman I still love even more today. That will never change; she will always be the woman I love.
I heard a story once about a man whose wife was dying with cancer. She could no longer speak. He would move over close to her easy chair and say, “Honey, you know something? I still love you.” That says it all. “Honey, I still love you.”
“Memories may fade, but love remains.”
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1 KJV)
If you are caring for someone with Alzheimer’s today, remember this: God sees your tears, understands your exhaustion, and walks beside you every step of the journey.
Stay Connected
Thank you for taking a few moments to spend with me today.
If this article touched your heart, encouraged you, or helped you better understand the Alzheimer’s journey, I would love to hear from you.
Many of us are carrying burdens that few people see. One of the greatest gifts we can offer each other is understanding, encouragement, and prayer.
If you have cared for a spouse, parent, sibling, or friend with Alzheimer’s or dementia, feel free to share your experiences. Your story may become a source of hope for someone else walking a difficult road.
Together, we can remind one another that none of us were meant to carry life’s heaviest burdens alone.
May God give you strength for today, peace for tomorrow, and grace for every step in between.
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Ron