Have you ever faced a storm you couldn’t calm, a situation that left you powerless? For me, it was both a tornado that nearly destroyed my family and a personality flaw that almost destroyed my relationships. Control promises safety—but often it strangles love instead.
This month’s Whispers on the Wind is about facing the storm within: learning to release control, trust God, and discover the freedom that comes when we stop holding so tightly.
Unfortunately, the title of this blog describes the way I interacted with people in my church, my employees, my hunting partners, and my family. A controlling behavior is a poison that threatens everything you love and cherish. Here’s a story that illustrates what I’m talking about in this week’s blog post.
It’s taken years for me to overcome some toxic tendencies. I grew up in a home where both parents were controlling in different ways. Mom pulled the classic, “If you love me…” card, and Dad used threats and violent behavior to keep everyone under control. I walked on eggshells to avoid offending either parent—and mostly hid from Dad.
“Naturally, I developed some of the same bad habits. My daughter and I clashed throughout her teen years. In my effort to protect, I tried to control every decision she made—but the harder I pressed, the more my daughter pushed back.
”Finally, in desperation, I prayed all night in our denomination’s college chapel. Around three in the morning, I sensed Jesus whisper, “Ron, take your hands off her, and put Ellen in My hands.” That morning, I told my daughter, “Honey, I love you. I’m not going to fight with you anymore. From now on, you’re in God’s hands.”
The change was remarkable. She started respecting the very boundaries I had tried to force on her. The fights stopped.
Here’s the truth I learned the hard way: Controlling behavior suffocates and destroys the very people we want to love and protect. It’s one of the toughest personality issues to recognize—and even harder to overcome.
DSfraely.com
What Is Controlling Behavior?
According to Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, LMFT (Verywell Health), “Controlling behavior occurs when a person attempts to force another person to conform to their own needs or desires through some form of manipulation.” This might involve coercion, criticism, or subtle emotional tactics that erode trust and freedom.
The NeuroLaunch editorial team put it vividly: “Imagine a garden where one plant constantly overshadows the others, hoarding sunlight and nutrients. That’s what a controlling personality does—it dominates, suffocates, and stunts the growth of those around it.”
Signs to Watch For
Both sources agree: controlling behavior wears many faces. Here are a few red flags:
- Criticism and Doubt – Constantly pointing out flaws or undermining your decisions until you question yourself.
- Manipulation – “If you really loved me, you’d…” is classic guilt-tripping.
- Rigidity – Resistance to any change in plans, no matter how small.
- Isolation – Cutting off friendships, hobbies, or outside support.
- Gaslighting – Convincing you that your concerns are “imagined” or “overreactions.”
- Threats – Subtle or overt intimidation to enforce compliance 【Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, LMFT (Verywell Health)】【NeuroLaunch editorial team】.
Quote worth remembering: “Excessive criticism is like a constant drizzle that eventually erodes self-confidence.” NeuroLaunch
Why People Control
Control doesn’t appear out of nowhere. Often it is rooted in insecurity, fear, or past trauma.
- Low self-esteem can whisper lies of unworthiness, prompting someone to grip tighter to others.
- Chaotic childhoods may drive people to recreate familiar (but unhealthy) patterns.
- Personality disorders like borderline, narcissistic, or histrionic tendencies sometimes fuel control as a survival mechanism 【Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, LMFT (Verywell Health)】.
Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse the behavior—but it does shed light on the path toward healing.
The Ripple Effect
The cost of control is high. Relationships become battlegrounds of resentment. Children who grow up under control often carry the same tendencies—or the wounds from them—into adulthood. Partners lose trust, intimacy, and self-worth.
“Being around a controlling person is like walking on eggshells—you’re constantly on edge, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing,” writes the NeuroLaunch team. Over time, this environment breeds anxiety, depression, and isolation 【NeuroLaunch 】.
Breaking Free
Here are a few strategies experts recommend for overcoming controlling patterns—whether in ourselves or others:
- Self-awareness: Admit the tendency. As Proverbs reminds us, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).
- Healthy boundaries: Boundaries are not control—they’re respect. As one therapist puts it, “Boundaries define where I end and you begin.”
- Open communication: Use “I” statements instead of accusations.
- Empathy and flexibility: Allow others the freedom to make mistakes.
- Professional support: Therapy or counseling can give tools to uproot controlling behavior at its roots.
- Surrender to God: As my story shows, letting go and trusting God often brings more peace than all the control in the world.
Takeaways
- Control suffocates; love liberates. If you’re trying to protect someone, remember that manipulation and criticism only drive them away.
- Look inward first. Ask: Am I setting boundaries, or am I controlling?
- Recognize the warning signs. Criticism, manipulation, isolation, and gaslighting are red flags.
- Seek help if needed. Abuse can grow from unchecked control. Don’t face it alone.
- Choose surrender over control. Whether to God, to healthy processes, or to mutual respect—freedom begins when you release your grip.
Final thought: The opposite of control isn’t chaos—it’s trust. Trust builds love, fuels growth, and creates the safe space every relationship needs.
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Grace and peace to you in 2025.
In His Service,
Ron