The Reality of Manipulation

By Ron McElfresh

📖 Catch up on last week’s blog on anger: ronmcelfreshwriter.com

“Ronnie, you don’t love me, or you wouldn’t run off when I need you most.”

“I hit you because you upset me. Don’t do that again, or it’ll be worse—and it’ll be your fault.”

Have you ever heard words like these growing up? Manipulation isn’t always obvious—it’s often cloaked in guilt, blame, or silence. It’s a subtle way people control others without facing the real issues.

“Manipulation thrives where truth is silenced and control is disguised as care.”

In this blog, I’ll help you recognize emotional manipulation, understand its impact, and walk you through steps to break free from past damage—whether you’re the victim or the one who’s struggled with being manipulative.

Personal Experience

Let me be clear: I loved my mother dearly. I was her “pet,” and she confided in me often. But when I disappointed her or she wanted something, she knew how to manipulate me emotionally.

One morning, I rushed off to school—skipping breakfast, forgetting the trash, and barely saying goodbye. When I got home, I greeted her cheerfully. She said nothing. I tried to hug her; she shoved me away in silence. At dinner, she spoke to my siblings—but not to me.

“The silent treatment may say nothing, but it speaks volumes of control.”

I spent hours confused and ashamed, wondering what terrible thing I had done. The next day she told me how deeply I’d hurt her. Of course, I apologized and walked on eggshells for days, trying not to upset her again.

My father had a more direct way. One day, I had my erector set in the living room. Without a word, he slapped me across the face and crushed my creation with his foot: “You keep doing stuff like this, and you’ll get worse.”

“Fear was my teacher, but it never taught me love—only survival.”

From that day on, I made sure to be out of his way when he came home.

Maybe your stories are different—but the pain and confusion manipulation leaves behind are familiar. So how do we heal? How do we avoid repeating those patterns?

My Wake-Up Call

I didn’t realize I was being manipulative until a trusted friend pointed it out in my middle years. It stunned me—but it opened my eyes.

Here’s what I did to change:

• Step 1: I turned to prayer. I asked G-d to show me any manipulative patterns in my life—and He did.

“The path to change begins with a prayer and a willing heart.”

• Step 2: I paid attention. I watched how others responded to me. If someone looked uneasy, I replayed what I had said and asked why it bothered them.

Example: I once joked with a ministerial student, “Keep that up and I won’t sign your district license.” He later told me how threatened he felt. That was a wake-up call.

• Step 3: I invited feedback. I asked my family and close friends to be honest about any behavior that made them feel manipulated. Then—I changed.

“Freedom begins when we face the hard truth about ourselves.”

Examples of Emotional Manipulation

From: Connections Counseling Utah, https://connectionscounselingutah.com/emotional-manipulation-signs-examples-and-strategies-for-addressing-it

• Gaslighting: “I never said that. You must have misunderstood.”
• Guilt-Tripping: “If you cared about me, you’d do this for me.”
• Silent Treatment: Refusing to speak after a disagreement.
• Shifting Blame: “You made me do this because you upset me.”
• Isolation: “Those friends are a bad influence—you shouldn’t see them.”
• Love Bombing: Overwhelming praise and gifts to gain fast control.

“Manipulation doesn’t always scream—it whispers, flatters, and blames.”

Other Red Flags:

• Constantly walking on eggshells
• Feeling emotionally drained
• Loss of independence or identity
• Questioning your reality or memory

Steps Toward Freedom

• Educate Yourself: I bought books (before Google!) to study manipulation and change my habits.
• Set Boundaries: Whether you’re the manipulator or the victim, boundaries matter. Communicate them clearly and enforce them calmly and consistently.• Find Support: I turned to friends, family, and fellow pastors for accountability and insight.
• Practice Self-Care: For me, it was golf, hunting, fishing, and annual prayer retreats—moments to reflect, repent, and reset.
• Make a Change List: I wrote down behaviors I needed to let go of and prayed through them, one by one.

“Healing takes honesty, humility, and habits that reflect the truth.”

When to Seek Professional Help

If you feel trapped by a manipulator or realize you’re struggling to change your own behavior, it’s time to seek help. A faith-based counselor can help you:
• Identify manipulation
• Rebuild self-esteem
• Set healthy, respectful boundaries
• Develop emotional resilience and healing

👉form more information, check out this article Helpful article from Psych Central https://psychcentral.com/health/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you#tactics

“Asking for help isn’t weakness—it’s the first courageous step toward strength.”

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re the manipulator or the one being manipulated, emotional control is a trap that damages relationships and erodes self-worth. Here’s a simple path to healing:

• Start with prayer.
• Observe how others react to you.
• Ask people you trust for honest feedback.

Core signs of manipulation:

• Gaslighting
• Guilt-tripping
• Silent treatment
• Shifting blame

“What’s hidden in the dark loses its power when exposed to the light.”

“If you want healthy relationships, you have to stop playing emotional games.”

🌟💬 #EmotionalManipulation #Therapy #MentalHealth #Relationships

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Grace and peace to you in 2025.

In His Service,

Ron