It’s ironic, isn’t it? The abused child becomes the abuser’s caregiver.
If you read my last post, you know that my father and I reconciled. (https://ronmcelfreshwriter.com/reconciliation/)
Fast forward to 1977. Dad and his second wife, Luella, lived in Grand Island, Nebraska. At the time, I had taken a church in Burr Oak, Kansas—just sixty miles away. We saw him often since we did most of our shopping in Hastings, near Grand Island.
Becoming his caregiver wasn’t something I planned. I only wanted to show him love and help when he and Luella needed it. At times, they struggled financially, and we gladly shared from our meager income.
Becoming the Caregiver
Caring for an abusive parent is one of the most challenging things a person can do. Here’s what I learned:
• It’s emotionally difficult. Supporting someone who has caused deep wounds—physically and emotionally—isn’t easy, especially if they haven’t made a genuine effort to change.
• It wasn’t a choice but a necessity. With no other family nearby, I saw a need and stepped in—not out of obligation, but because it was the right thing to do. I expected nothing in return.
• Caring for them won’t change who they are. My father tried to be more loving toward me, but he struggled with old beliefs and attitudes. Deep down, he never fully let go of the idea that I was a “bastard child.”
• Setting realistic expectations is key. I had to accept what he could give emotionally and not expect more. (Read more here.)
Navigating the Journey
Ten years later, Dad could no longer manage his finances. His stepdaughters stepped in, but eventually, they called me for help. He was in a financial crisis, and I enlisted my siblings to assist in stabilizing his situation. When it became clear he needed professional oversight, I arranged for a CPA to handle his finances.
Four years later, my family moved to C/S. I made monthly trips—400 miles round-trip—to visit him. By then, he and Luella had moved closer to her daughters and settled into a comfortable apartment. My visits became a source of moral support, a reminder that they were not alone.
Then, Luella became sick. Dad called me, and I traveled to Hastings to be with her in her final days.
After her passing, Dad’s stepdaughters called—he had become unmanageable. That’s when I moved him into our home. After a year, we transitioned him to assisted care. Six months later, he entered a nursing home.
Lessons Learned
Through this journey, I gained invaluable insights:
• Boundaries are essential. Without them, resentment and exhaustion take over.
• Self-care comes first. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
• A healthy mindset is critical. Without it, old wounds can reopen.
Caring for an abusive parent is never easy, and some may question why you would do it. The reality is many caregivers find themselves in this position. Studies show that between 9% to 26% of caregivers experienced childhood abuse from the very person they now care for.
So, why go through the emotional turmoil? Here are some common reasons:
• Family interdependence. Sometimes, it’s simply what families do.
• Love-hate relationships. Reconciliation can bring healing, but scars remain.
• Financial necessity. Limited resources may leave no alternative.
• Cultural or religious values. Some traditions emphasize duty to family.
• Legal obligations. In some cases, the law dictates responsibility. (Read more here.)
Final Thoughts
Reconciliation doesn’t erase the past but can open the door to healing. Had my father and I not reconciled, I likely wouldn’t have become his caregiver. While it wasn’t easy, it was part of my journey—and perhaps, part of my calling.
If you find yourself in this position, remember to prioritize your well-being, set clear boundaries, and protect your mental health. You are not alone.
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• Navigating relationships with a homosexual child
• Handling rebellious children
• Coping when a child divorces the family
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Grace and peace to you throughout 2025.
In His Service,
Ron